By Larry Deavers
Girls face many societal expectations that can seem impossible to meet. The expectation to be a strong, confident young woman can feel contrary to the expectation to be nurturing and supportive of others. While these traits are not mutually exclusive, feeling the pressure of balancing them all while achieving a life of contentment and meaning can be challenging and, sometimes, overwhelming. Helping them build a belief in themselves that they can meet this challenge involves creating a nurturing environment that supports their confidence, individuality, and resilience, while supporting their emotional need for assurance and encouragement.
Here are some strategies to help build esteem in girls:
Teach healthy boundaries. Help them recognize when to say “No” and enable them to make healthy decisions without giving into pleasing others when it is detrimental to themselves. Girls can often be driven by the desire to seek approval or to avoid guilt, which often results in blurred boundaries. This can set them up to be taken advantage of by others who may manipulate these underlying needs and impose themselves in ways that are emotionally controlling or abusive. Through modeling and healthy discussions, you can teach them when it is okay to help others and when it is necessary to safeguard themselves.
Model healthy ways of handling emotions. Girls tend to more verbal and expressive. This can be a valuable skill in expressing their thoughts and emotions when done assertively, with kindness and respect. However, this skill can be destructive when their words are harsh and their emotions are given full vent to others. As a parent, you will likely be their biggest influence in learning healthy, appropriate emotional responses, especially those you practice yourself.
Teach them to accept themselves. Parents can often give “back-handed compliments” that tear down their daughters more than they build up. (e.g., “Thank you for cleaning up your room; it certainly took you long enough.”) Avoid comparing your daughter to anyone else, while valuing and affirming those qualities that make her unique. Knowing that she is valuable, just as she is, will help her to feel less emotionally vulnerable and lessen her need to compete with others for affirmation.
Teach them to value the unique qualities of others. Girls are often plagued by self-doubt and comparing themselves to others as a way of measuring their value. This can often lead to unhealthy competition or being critical of others. Because girls tend to be more adept at using words, they can be harsh in what they say to those they see as different. You can inspire them to be more accepting of others by consistently encouraging them to accept themselves and recognize the strengths in others.
Promote body acceptance. Encourage a healthy body image by focusing on what their bodies can do and making healthy choices, rather than how they look. Avoid inadvertent comments about weight and appearance that can leave her feeling as though she is not as valuable as anyone else. Teach your daughter the critical thinking skills she needs to understand the way females are depicted in advertising that may create self-doubt about her own appearance.
Raise her expectations when it comes to dating. Talk with her about what healthy dating relationships look like. Her understanding of this will be largely dictated by the way you model this in your own relationship. You can help fortify her ability to hold high standards in this regard by consistently reinforcing respect for her in your own words and actions. Having men in her life (i.e., Dad, Grandfather) who regularly demonstrate that she is valuable, capable and worthwhile help build her belief that she deserves to be treated with respect by any young man she chooses to date.
Teach Resilience. Encourage them to view challenges and failures as opportunities to learn and grow. Help them develop problem-solving skills and encourage them to take healthy risks and to try new activities. By teaching your daughter to value growth and experience, she can develop a well-rounded depth of experiences and a belief that she can adapt to many different situations.
These are just a few of the steps you can take to raise a girl who is confident, independent and capable of making healthy choices for herself. The most important factor is maintaining a consistent, supportive environment throughout childhood and adolescence. By consistently applying these strategies, you can build a strong foundation of self-esteem and raise a capable, confident young woman.
Larry Deavers is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker & Executive Director of Family Counseling Service of West Alabama.
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